How to Talk About End-of-Life While Living Well
This is nobody's favorite subject. You do not have to be at peace with it. But like many difficult things, it is necessary and worth it.
Most people avoid this conversation not because they are afraid of dying, but because they do not know how to start. It is awkward. They worry about being morbid, or upsetting someone they love. So they wait.
Push through that awkwardness. The conversations that happen before anyone is in crisis are the ones where you actually have time to be honest. There is no good substitute for them.
Why it matters
People who have had these conversations report something unexpected: it brought them closer. Not because talking about death is comfortable, but because it is honest. It requires naming what you value and what you want for the people left behind.
This is not new
Humans have thought about death for thousands of years. Look to ancient religions, cultures, or philosophies and you will see it has been a major topic for a long time. Stoic philosophy built memento mori, the practice of remembering you will die, into daily life. The resistance to this conversation is not universal. It is cultural and relatively recent.
I want to challenge that. Some of the most meaningful relationships in my life have deepened as we tackled the big scary things.
Where to begin
Start with now. How do you live? How do you want to live for the rest of your life? Start with what you already know. From there you can ask bigger questions. What do you want to happen when you die? Who do you want present? What do you want to leave behind? You do not need answers yet. Noticing the questions is enough to start.
Ask people you know who have lost loved ones what it taught them. Ask people you respect how they are thinking about life. Fold this into your life from a place of curiosity.
What can it look like?
Think about what you want your relationship with death to be. Do you want to resist at all costs? That probably will not protect you indefinitely. Can you imagine a life where you live with the memory of people you were lucky enough to know and love who are no longer here? The grief of missing them can live in that space.
My neighbors occasionally invite my husband and me to dinner parties with their friends. These friends have known each other a long time, and always entertain us with stories of being young adults in the 1970s and their adventures since. This group had been through a lot together: deaths of first partners, raising kids, the ups and downs of life, endless laughs. They hung together, making the most of their time with one another.
By the next dinner party, one of them had died. Bibette had been diagnosed with cancer and passed away the previous fall. This vibrant staple of the stories was gone. It was so sad. We left space for it. Her partner, Rob, was cracked open with grief. And they found ways to honor her. We toasted to her and put a candle in a piece of pie for her birthday. Emotions were raw. People cried and celebrated. And it was beautiful.
However comfortable you are thinking and talking about death, lean into it a little more. What could your relationship with loss look like if it were up to you? How do you want your loved ones to remember you?
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